The fifth official edition of “Why Are You Asking Me?” has been posted to the Anti-Social Talk Show RSS Feed. Listen to the Podcast on iTunes, or directly download the mp3 file HERE. Please email drzoltan@drzoltan.com to have your question answered by Dr. Zoltan and his research team (also known around the TED Conference as The Temponautical Navigators).

Download audio file (WhyAreYouAskingMe_005.mp3)

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[Transcript begins]

You are listening to “Why Are You Asking Me?” with Dr. Zoltan Oo-bah-lisk. Ue… balisk. Unfortunately, Dr. Zoltan’s research team is on some sort of expedition or… very busy this week. Or either not busy, or taking a week off. So Dr. Zoltan is going to be required to read from a handful of cue cards which were left on his desk by his assistant Brian Compton. Dr. Zoltan narrated some thoughts to Brian, and hopefully they are going to come out OK. Without the research team, but it will probably be a complete disaster. So if you are looking for a professional uh, commentary… You are gonna have to look someone else, like a Dan Carlin podcast or something like that, maybe 2600… um. OK, and here we go. I am going to try reading from these… let me just shuffle them. Am I supposed to shuffle them? I’m not sure. That is what I usually do with cards. OK.

The follow question was found written on the underside of a collating table in the back of a print shop, if you can believe that… written with what appeared to be a CMYK grease pencil of some sort.Hmm. Four color job. It asked, “Dear Dr. Zoltan: are the 2008 US Elections Going To Be Cancelled?”

Well… Dr. Zoltan will now answer that question. After just a moment. Here, put these over here where I can see them. OK.

As most of you know by now, if you watch television… It is a fact that Sarah Palin is the most dangerous person in the United States. Dr. Zoltan does not own a television or… He does have cable, though. Plenty of cables. Back to the story. Uh…

Like a rabid squirrel making a beeline for your pantleg, she must be stopped. That’s what it’s written. It’s uh, it’s written here on this cue card so I’m just reading it. I don’t know what that means.

Sarah Palin’s tactic has always been: I don’t think I was supposed to read the colon. act tough and insane, and your animalistic superiority will intimidate your opponent. She’s right… That was a contraction there. I don’t allow contractions on this show. I’m going to retract that contraction and just make it uh… she is right. Simply because she’s right. Sounds repetitive. She will win because she will win. Team spirit. Sports mentality. Keep fighting no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you have thought your argument through.

Who wrote these stupid cue cards? OK. This just sounds very mechanical.

To many humans… uh. Yes, no… the other too. Too many humans think that debating is like arm-wrestling: that the person who pushes hardest wins. Not so.

Intellectuals such as scientists, mathematicians, and philosophers are required to check their work, take a step back, question everything, and make sure they are correct before they proceed. Sarah Palin will not participate in this twaddle. I don’t know what a twaddle is. Sounds something involving a duck. OK, uh.. the next cue card says.

A human who is unable to doubt — oh, this is uh… this is something I have said in many of my lectures — A human who is unable to doubt his or her ideas is incapable of critical thinking. I believe that. I’ll even repeat it. A human who is unable to doubt his or her ideas is incapable of critical thinking. What they ARE capable of is plunging the world back into the dark ages. I’m sure Reverend Wright wouldn’t even uh… touch that subject. Alright. Uh…

This leads Dr. Zoltan to believe that the 2008 US Elections will indeed be canceled, and the US Government will be replaced with the TED Conference. I don’t know why it says TED Conference. Alright, whatever. Next week the uh, the Research Team should be back from uh, I think maybe they’re at the TED Conference. I’m not even really sure where they are. Thank you all for listening, and let’s hope they get back soon and safely.

[Music fades up]

Dr. Zoltan employs a full-time research team to answer questions just like this one. If you have a question for Dr. Zoltan, please email it to drzoltan@drzoltan.com with “Attn: Speed Metal Dept.” in the subject line.

[End of transcript]

Dr. Zoltan’s “Why Are You Asking Me?” is syndicated by WFIT 89.5 FM in Melbourne, FL and INK19.com.

The fourth official edition of “Why Are You Asking Me?” has been posted to the Anti-Social Talk Show RSS Feed. Listen to the Podcast on iTunes, or directly download the mp3 file HERE. Please email drzoltan@drzoltan.com to have your question answered by Dr. Zoltan and his research team (also known around the TED Conference as The Temponautical Navigators).

Download audio file (WhyAreYouAskingMe_004.mp3)

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[Transcript begins]

You are listening to Dr. Zoltan’s Øbelisk’s “Why Are You Asking Me, Dr. Zoltan?”

[Music fades down]

One of Dr. Zoltan’s loyal listeners did not submit the following question as a standardized plaintext message — but instead, this episode’s question was received in the form of an image from a Samsung CHCSCHU-3, hmm. It was some sort of Phone Camera, that’s what it means. It is a photograph of a piece of paper that reads, “Did You Create A Lunch Violation” — uh, it’s also followed by 8 question marks for some reason. YOu can see this photo on the Dr. ZOltan website along with this podcast entry.

Dr. Zoltan’s research team was thrilled to have the opportunity to solve this unique problem. And here is what they came up with. Let me just find the piece of paper here. Hold on. I can’t find it. Oh, here it is.

(Clears throat)

A VHS corporate training video — this is what the piece of paper says — dubbed in 1985, uncovered at a public library’s A/V room in Polk County, Nebraska, wherever that is… actually makes the first-known recorded reference to the term, Lunch Violation! Hmm. …and outlines the conditions under which such an occurrence may occur. Sounds redundant, but I’m sure… uh, OK. Uh, following along here, I’m going to skip a few paragraphs because there’s some legal jargon here I don’t understand. And then it goes on to say…

Lunch Violation is denoted by two main criteria:

Number one!

If the employee is unable to feed himself without assistance from the assistant manager… semicolon or ellipsis — I… I don’t know why there was a semicolor there typed. Could have been a pinky error. ER-ROR.

[Music fades up]

Now don’t turn the music up yet, the show isn’t over, hold on, we’re, this is uh, we’re just getting started.

[Music fades down]

Thank you.

Number two!

This is going on down further down the piece of paper that was handed to me. Um… If the employee is unable to properly digest half a meal at half of the full-digestion rate, in which case he will be paid one and one half times his normal hourly wage for the duration of the lunch violation.

Hmm. I don’t know how the math works out on that, but I wouldn’t sign THAT employee handbook. OK… moving on, a few pages later… it says uh, actually there are no more pages, what am I talking about here? Uh…

Unfortunately, the uh, the fine print on the piece of paper, uh, also… the… the piece of paper that was hanging uh… apparently on a wall in maybe a break room of some sort, that was… there was a photo taken of it and sent in, and that’s what I’m reading… I think you know that by now…

It also asks us to “See Below” with 6 arrows, but we are unable to see what is actually below… it.

Dr. Zoltan does not know what else to say here, other than, I supppose you shouldn’t rink one of these “Lunch Violations,” they don’t sound pleasant.

[Music fades up]

Dr. Zoltan employs a full-time research team to answer questions just like this one. If you have a question for Dr. Zoltan, please email it to drzoltan@drzoltan.com with “Attn: Speed Metal Dept.” in the subject line.

[End of transcript]

Dr. Zoltan’s “Why Are You Asking Me?” is syndicated by WFIT 89.5 FM in Melbourne, FL and INK19.com.

The third official edition of “Why Are You Asking Me?” has been posted to the Anti-Social Talk Show RSS Feed. Listen to the Podcast on iTunes, or directly download the mp3 file HERE. Please email drzoltan@drzoltan.com to have your question answered by Dr. Zoltan and his research team (also known around the TED Conference as The Temponautical Navigators).

Download audio file (WhyAreYouAskingMe_003.mp3)

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[Transcript begins]

You are listening to, “Why Are You Asking Me?” with Dr. Zoltan OO… Ooobllluhg lugh. 

[clears throat]

[Music fades down]

Some of you may find this believable… but Dr. Zoltan was invited to participate in a Grand Panel discussion at Full-Scale Center For Multiple Media Recording Design in Saskaweewah, Florida. I can’t remember when it happened, but it was quite a long time ago. And what he discovered was that instructors are deadlocked in debate about the merits of analog vs. digital. Some students and professors claimed to be able to “hear” the difference between digital sound and analog SOUND.

Dr. Zoltan put his research team to work on this problem immediately. And after 16 or so years of VERY EXPENSIVE acoustic tests, the following facts were uncovered: Number one… out of 650,000 sound waves surveyed, 100% answered that they were completely analog. The research team was surprised to also make the correlation that 100% of speakers in the known universe also resonate in analog sound waves.The research team was surprised to also make the correlation that 100% of speakers in the known universe (that’s a lot) also resonate in analog sound waves. It was even proven, via applications of Matrix Algebra and Convolution, that the human ear is 100% analog. Therefore, it is virtually impossible (if you can count that high) to realistically hear quote-unquote digital sound: as it does NOT exist.

Dr. Zoltan employs a full-time research team to answer questions just like this one. if you have a question for Dr. Zoltan, please email it to drzoltan@drzoltan.com with “Attn: Speed Metal Department” in the subject line.

[Music fades back up]

Dr. Zoltan employs a full-time research team to answer questions just like this one. If you have a question for Dr. Zoltan, please email it to drzoltan@drzoltan.com, with Attn: Speed Metal Dept. in the subject line.

[End of transcript]

Dr. Zoltan’s “Why Are You Asking Me?” is syndicated by WFIT 89.5 FM in Melbourne, FL and INK19.com.

The second official edition of “Why Are You Asking Me?” has been posted to the Anti-Social Talk Show RSS Feed. Listen to the Podcast on iTunes, or directly download the mp3 file HERE. Please email drzoltan@drzoltan.com to have your question answered by Dr. Zoltan and his research team!

Download audio file (WhyAreYouAskingMe_002.mp3)

• • •

[Transcript begins]

You are listening to Why Are You Asking Me… with Dr. Zoltan. Øoooobelisk.

[Music fades down]

Today’s question was submitted by the Prophet Matthew James. A religious fanatic. Even has his own church on the internet, where he talks in his sleep. Pantameonus.com. He asks:

“Dr. Zoltan… Is it possible to make non-noise Velcro, and if so when will that technology be available?”

To answer that… What you are overlooking… Prophet Matthew James, is that the noise Velcro makes is an important safety factor. In other words, they… ENGINEERED IT to make noise. It’s built in! It’s quite remarkarble. Even Benjamin Franklin once wrote in his personal journal:

[clears throat]

“Nothing foreshadows a plummeting death or harrowing wardrobe malfunction as efficiently as the rrrrrrip of yielding Velcro Brand Hook And Loop Fastener.” It’s a trademark. They’ve even got a little picture of Benjamin Franklin on every box of Velcro now. It’s fascinating. It’s a fascinating fastener.

OK…

My research team has uncovered a paper published by Technion Institute, Haifa Branch, as reported in “Modern Fastener Magazine”, May 2008. I think you can pick up a copy of that at Barnes & Noble or Borders or maybe your local Public Library… or… dentist office.

[clears throat]

I’ll read an excerpt from the article, and I’ll post a link on my site as well, in case you cannot hear me speaking right now. Maybe your ears are too clogged from listening to too much… Effervescence or whatever that goth metal band with the girl singer is called. Can’t remember.

[clears throat]

Sorry, I drank some spoiled Soy Milk mixed with… Kombucha or something. Terrible. Terrible. So, the article goes like this. Here is the excerpt. I will READ it. OK.

“Dr. Avi Zvi Dovten, working on a grant from the Israel Space Agency, is exploring a new force in fastening.”

Hmm.

“He is using magnets embedded in paper using genetically modified fruitfly sputum…”

Huh.

“…as not only an adhesive base, but also a sound absorbent substrate.”

Obviously this article was translated from some foreign language by my Research Team. Dr. Zoltan will have to talk to them about that. You know, now I… I think I may have seen a TedTALKS video on this. What else does this article say? Hmm.

[clears throat]

“The clink-snap of fastening magnets, which has long placed them in third place to juggernauts like Buttons and Laces, may soon be a thing of the past.”

I don’t see anywhere that it mentions Zippers. I’ve always liked Zippers, actually.

[clears throat]

And as yet another episode of Why Are You Asking Me comes to a close, Dr. Zoltan offers you to following Maxim: It took a space race to bring us velcro. It will take another one to shut it up.

[Music fades back up]

Dr. Zoltan employs a full-time research team to answer questions just like this one. If you have a question for Dr. Zoltan, please email it to drzoltan@drzoltan.com, with Attn: Speed Metal Dept. in the subject line.

[End of transcript]

Dr. Zoltan’s “Why Are You Asking Me?” is syndicated by INK19.com.

**UPDATE! The Infonautical Navigators have reported the following find:

According to “Dutch Sounding Physics,” a journal refereed by the physics faculty and chess club at Universitat Aampo, Ixstrud campus, scientists are hard at work duplicating the crazy Dutch-sounding effects of the Van Der Waals force, a molecularly attractive phenomenon which allows the winged beast gecko to adhere so magically through walls. By duplicating the millions of nano-hairs on the foot of the gecko, scientists have already created a fantastic ultra-bonding “scotch” type tape. They are now working on the problem of unrolling it.

The first official edition of “Why Are You Asking Me?” has been posted to the Anti-Social Talk Show RSS Feed. Listen to the Podcast on iTunes, or directly download the mp3 file HERE. Please email drzoltan@drzoltan.com to have your question answered by Dr. Zoltan and his research team! 

Download audio file (WhyAreYouAskingMe_001.mp3)

• • •

[Transcript begins]

You are listening to, “Why Are You Asking Me?” with Dr. Zoltan Øbelisk. [Dr. Zoltan makes several attempts but has difficulty pronouncing the "Ø."] Whatever.

[Music fades down]

Today’s question was submitted by an anonymous internet user.

Dear Dr. Zoltan: Why do you act like all “drug” — and they put the word “drug” in quotes — use is the same? Do you not think that there are some states of consciousness that can only be attained with substances that you must acquire outside of yourself?  Do you not think it is possible to do any “drug” — and they put the word in quotes again — in a responsible healthy virtuous intelligent manner? Question mark.

To answer your question, Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous…

Research shows that drugs can ruin your existence, depending on many factors, not the least of which is your bio-parents’ genetic dice roll. 

Research also shows that many people traverse their lifeline altered out of their spinning gourds, and they do fine. Dr. Zoltan is not one of those. Well, what I mean is, he does not use the chemicals… uh… doesn’t necessarily do fine, is what I mean… well… whatever.

Should you take the chance and partake of a substance that may alter your budget along with your state of consciousness?

Just ask Albert Hizzenbodum. Actually, you can’t ask him, because he is catatonic at the moment.

Luckily, I know his story, so I will [clears throat] tell it to you. Right now.

Albert was a bright young kid, an A student and outstanding volunteer in his community.

One day, as he rode his bicycle through an impoverished bad part of town to get to an anti-drug rally, which was organized by… let us call it… the local constabulary, he was struck by a carload of straightedge kids and now lies in a vegetative state.

These are the consequences. Let it be a lesson to you all.

[Music fades back up]

Dr. Zoltan employs a full-time research team to answer questions just like this one. If you have a question for Dr. Zoltan, please email it to drzoltan@drzoltan.com, with Attn: Speed Metal Dept. in the subject line.  

[End of transcript]

Dr. Zoltan’s “Why Are You Asking Me?” is syndicated by INK19.com.