According to a recent Anti-Sociology Study conducted by Dr. Zoltan Øbelisk, Normal Humans have invaded The Internet, a place which has, until recently, been a sanctuary for non-conformists, hackers, social outcasts, phreaks, SubGenii, and all other flavors of Intelligentsia (a 19th century Russian term meaning, “a social class of people engaged in complex mental and creative labor directed to the development and dissemination of culture).

“There is an astronomical increase in Normal Content on The Internet,” reports Dr. Øbelisk. “Photos of Normals posing with alcoholic beverages in restaurants, photos of Normals wearing bathing suits and smiling on the beach, photos of Normals smashing their faces together and sticking their tongues out.”

Professional Colleague, Dr. Whilton Popple, who boasts a Ph.D. in Social Metaphysics, noted that, “As of August 2009, thanks to Facebook, photos of infants now outnumber photos of female breasts on The Internet, which is… remarkable and disturbing.”

Twitter, an easy-to-use social networking tool, has been flooded with meaningless minute-to-minute messages chronicling the lives of The Normals, such as, “watching TV” and “so sleeeeeeeeeeeeepy!”

“The cost of this new breed of spam is immeasurable. Billions of dollars are spent on high-speed web servers in the Pacific Northwest and this is the best data you can create for them to store? No one cares if you just dropped off your rent check, are now on your way to the bank, and then picking up some pasta salad with cherry tomatoes, tinned tuna and a bit of mayo for tomorrow’s lunch,” hissed Popple.

Up until the late 1990’s, Internet Technology was primarily used to connect networks of computers for the purposes of processing and sharing important data.

“Yeah, we mostly used it to study science, but we had some fun, too. We had all read The Anarchist’s Cookbook by the time we were 12. I mean, come on,” says Dan Silverman, a high school chemistry teacher in Fairbury, Nebraska. “I remember… once a year we’d meet up for what we called a Con. All five Boards from our region banded together and put on PentaCon. We stayed up all night eating pretzels… writing disgusting poems and feeding the text into Dr. Sbaitso. I think this was 1991 or so. Back before The Normals took over.”

But the Normals didn’t stop with The Internet. They’ve desecrated other once-sacred annual cultural events that were previous only exciting to Mutants.

“It’s a big post-modern mess. First we had The Invasion of the Normals on the Internet, and now they’ve watched The Matrix, broken through the veil between the worlds, and they’re Invading our Cons,” added Silverman, reluctantly.

Theodore Lipton, a member of MENSA and late-night restaurant cook from Ash Fork, AZ reports: “In 1970 my friends and I saved up all summer and drove across the Mojave in my mom’s station wagon to the very first San Diego ComicCon. It was uncanny, no pun intended, to see 300 people that liked comic books. It changed my life. It became a yearly pilgrimage, until 2008, when I couldn’t even get a pass because of the glut of Normals and Slutty Goth Girls. In 2009 it sold out 11 months in advance. I barely got in for one day, but 140,000 Alpha-Betas were there in 2009. How does that make any sense?”

“The end of THAC0 is like Year Zero, the apocalypse for all of us. Once they switched it all over to D20 to accommodate people who can’t do math and read charts, it was over,” says Sally Thompson owner of a used book store in Boise, Idaho.

Never fear, Sally. A non-profit organization called The War On Fun will be launching a campaign to promote Normalopolis, a Sports Complex Dome twenty-times the size of the San Diego Sports Area, with a capacity of 250,000. Sponsored by Disney / Marvel, ComicCon will act as a Decoy Convention, attracting Jocks, Lawyers, Rich Kids With Nice Haircuts And Cars, and entire families of Pinks.

According to the War On Fun website, “The Normals will be lured into paying $425 for a 4 day fun pass (also valid at Disneyland, which will be connected via high-speed rail). From there, they can walk around, get drunk, and buy overpriced, fake Marvel comic books (specially printed with blank pages) without disturbing The Mutants and their Important Intellectual Activities.

Theodore Lipton is hopeful.

“There’s no safe place left for us. Let’s pray that giant Roach Motel gets built.”

• • •

This article by Dr. Zoltan was not accepted in accordance with The Onion’s Editorial Policy.

Which Plane of Social Metaphysical Existence Are You Operating On?

Illustration: Two planes of existence, rotating on separate Axes. One inhabitated by Winners, one inhabited by Losers. Each plane sees only a thin slice of the other plane. Therefore, Winners seek out other Winners. The Losers clump together and waste their lives together. Ask yourself: do you notice more Winners or more Losers around you? Do you need to change your Axis? If so, visit www.drzoltan.com

Way back in 2007, Doktor Zoltan was enslaved by a creature known as Justin St. Vincent from a small island called New Zealand. He was forced to write an essay for a website called Xtreme Music. One Earth Year later, the results were published on the Internet: a wasteful, imaginary gathering place for young people. Categorized under “World,” rather than its correct demonomination, “Underworld,” the essay (along with incorrectly-scaled and sharpened bitmap images in an attempt to discredit Doktor Zoltan) is available as a PDF. The entire essay is also displayed below, according to the strict standard of the American Standard Code for Information Interchange:

For the context of this essay on music and spirituality, Dr. Zoltan will declare that there are two categories of humans: those who believe that this life on planet Earth is “enough” and those who do not. Those in the former group are soldiers, employees, and ants, marching in repeated and predictable patterns, attaining goals of mundane survival and amusement until the day they die. Those in the latter group are of the utmost value to the future because they pursue extra-terrestrial activities, such as the arts and sciences. They make attempts to reach beyond the boundaries of their world, out of a sense of wonder and curiosity. What normal life offers is just not enough for them! They require mystery, and mysticism is the science of the mysterious. It is an open-minded inquiry into the chaos of the unknown, filling in the blanks with the gift of imagination. Demons, aliens, and vampires are the human mind’s own fear of the unknown; a process of putting a face on unexplainable phenomenon. The good news: many strange things happen on Earth, and they will only get stranger as humans become more complex beings. 

Music and spirituality are personal pursuits within the realm of the mysterious, but the Do-It-Yourself Ethic has been lost and perverted into the form of standardized industries. The perversion of spirituality is the Church. The perversion of music is the Rock concert. In both cases, the participants are divided into 1). An all-powerful leader, and 2). The followers. Personal power is handed over and unequally distributed into a top-down hierarchy. The allpowerful leader is showered in praise, glory, and gifts. The followers huddle together and imitate each other’s every move, reacting to the whims of the leader. Group think. Safety in numbers. Mass hypnosis. Vigilance and responsibility are surrendered. What was once a magical process of discovery and exploration for all is now a system of rules. Those who are too unimaginative to study their inner world are offered a simple step-by-step methodology. A formula. Both have become systems of uniform, massmarketed dogma, packaged for easy consumption. Reduced to copy and paste costumes, symbols, and decorations. The encyclopedia of deities and chord changes that someone else invented. But the essence of music and spirituality is a relationship with the mysterious. Those who embrace it will change the world.

Find out more about how you can Live Correctly at www.drzoltan.com.