See Marcus Shostanovich as he attempts to conduct an orchestra while being subjected to disturbing figures from his past.

If you walk into any Barnes & Noble or Borders, you should be able to locate a magazine in the Computers section called 2600 (The Hacker Quarterly). 

Earlier this year, Dr. Zoltan wrote an article called “Hacking Music” and it has been published in the Autumn issue:

http://store.2600.com/autumn2008.html

Dr. Zoltan could scan and upload the article, but he would not want to ruin the magical experience of reading the printed magazine in your local bookstore. 

It is an honor to be in print for the first time in nearly 3 years.

Dr. Zoltan Øbelisk
Hollywood’s Most Innovative Entertainer Since Carrot Top
drzoltan@drzoltan.com>
http://www.drzoltan.com
http://www.myspace.com/drzoltan
http://www.youtube.com/drzoltan
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10795446153
http://www.lastfm.com/user/drzoltan

Will Maier participated in a Séance this past weekend, during which Freddie Mercury’s Ghost was summoned and interrogated. Special thanks to Paul Feldman for his Stage Mediumship Scriptwriting Skills (10.0).

Dr. Zoltan wrote this blog entry while blindfolded, kneeling in front of a man holding a mummy’s foot in one hand and a crystal wand in the other. The man checked his pocket watch, cleared his throat, and brushed the cracker crumbs from his robe. Visit http://www.drzoltan.com/blog to find out the conclusion to this astonishing, esoteric scene!

What better way to celebrate seven years of confusion than with a campfire sing-a-long? Dr. Zoltan & Will have released a song called Freefall (Catchy Folk Tune To Celebrate The End of the Republic). You can download the song for FREE if you fill out this contact form: http://www.drzoltan.com/contact.php

CREDITS
Will Maier - Vocals
Dr. Zoltan - Acoustic & Electric Guitar, Keyboard, Bass, Drumkit From Hell

Cover art by CarlKingCreative

DR. ZOLTAN’S THOUGHTS ON 9/11
Dr. Zoltan’s take on this is very simple. He is not a conspiracy theorist, he just does not believe the official story of what happened on 9/11. He does not know what sort of dark force is responsible for making the buildings fall down, but here are his thoughts on some peripheral (yet central) issues.

The White House and CNN gave oversimplified explanations for the disaster and used them to justify an endless war. The American public cynically disregards their own powers of research and observation, handing over too much power and responsibility to their government and the media. There are many unanswered questions about 9/11 and the official stories are as confusing as the nutty ideas put forth by paranoid amateur filmmakers. More time and energy is spent on horrible tabloid stories like Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears than investigating a real crime. 

Instead of helping us make sense of it all, corporations and the government are feeding the stupidity of the masses, perpetuating consumerism and instilling a deep fear of objectivity. Team-oriented politics and conformist cult branding, fueled by religious dogma, racism, and fear, are substituted for the importance of… IDEAS. 

The War On Terror is a press release right out of George Orwell’s 1984. Terrorism is asymmetrical by nature. It cannot be fought with a “War.” Its sole purpose is to cause a government to implode on itself by bloating its military and restricting the freedoms of its citizens — warrant-less tapping of communications, detaining of random suspects, expanded executive powers, et cetera. Through this, a handful of chaotic individuals can cripple a country of hundreds of millions. In a police state everything grinds to a halt in the name of protecting the homeland from the boogeyman. Benjamin Franklin said it best: “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

The truth is that “fun” products like cigarettes, alcoholic beverages, and junk / fast food kill more humans than terrorist attacks ever could. But in a world of billions of crazy humans with their hands on deadly technology, occasionally bad things will happen — on purpose. REALLY bad things. Humans can do their best to stop these things, but what they need is the strength and freedom to sustain damage and go on living. 

LYRICS
You’re better off hiding with some weapons in a hole
When a corporate fascist state has taken control
But instead you’re dancing, drinking, and you’re having lots of fun
While the end of the United States has already begun

Chorus
Brother, Look no further, there’s no other proof you need
Buildings can’t collapse at freefall speed

You can expect to see another pseudo-terrorist attack
When the best you’ve got are posing fakes like Tom and Zach
Hiding from the truth behind their blurry poetry
While the crime scene is buried at the bottom of the sea

It’s gonna come to civil war sooner or later
Protesting won’t stop an evil dictator
Don’t try to vote him out, there’s nothing you can say
The tyrant that’s in office isn’t going away

Last year, Steve was given the opportunity to jam with Dr. Zoltan at an audition held in a secluded North Hollywood rehearsal studio. At the end of this video, you can see Steve playing the very song he played in the audition. While it is a great song, it is unfortunate that Dr. Zoltan was unable to accommodate Steve’s own yearning for creative solo music pursuits. The two shook hands and parted ways, never to have lunch again. Dr. Zoltan wishes Steve Vai the best in his solo career!

{ This post was written and proofreaded by Dr. Zoltan! If your tie-dyed t-shirt is still tucked in after reading it, visit http://www.drzoltan.com/blog. Or wear a wig and fake beard and take yourself really seriously.}

Something is seriously wrong with Metallica. With all of the available resources (studios, microphones, pre-amps, guitars, engineers — and even the most powerful rock music producer in the world, Rick Rubin), they can’t figure out how to make an album sound professional. Their new single, “The Day That Never Comes” sounds like it was recorded on a cassette tape on a boom box.

Dr. Zoltan estimates that it has been roughly 13,140,000 seconds since a snare drum played by Lars Ulrich sounded correct. Dr. Zoltan also estimates that 13,140,000 amateur musicians in home studios all around the world have had no problem with that basic task. You might expect this sort of thing on a low budget — perhaps with a single Radio Shack microphone stuck in a closet, recorded onto a K-mart tape from 1992, but not considering the unlimited financial resources that Metallica has.

Rather than firing Bob Rock, they should have fired Lars Ulrich. Listen to that hi-hat disaster at 1:13. It is one of those moments where the drummer is not so sure he was supposed to go into that section, and he is ducking under the cymbals and looking around at his bandmates for validation. 

As if that is not wrong enough, the weakest performance of the worst drummer in the world had to be masked by digitally cranking a fancy volume knob akin the the Maximum Volumizer. Mastering? Bah.

The Day That Never Comes is the day that Metallica can remember anything they learned about sounding like non-amateurs.

{ This post was written and scrutinized, perhaps by gnomes licensed in perpetuity throughout the universe by Dr. Zoltan! If you find any scratches or bumps, visit http://www.drzoltan.com/blog. Also… }

If you are the type of human who enjoys purchasing mp3 files, “How To Sell The Whole F#@!ing Universe To Everybody… Once And For All!” – Collection 1 (Success) is now available on CDBaby.com. Coming soon to iTunes, too.

Other options:

Download 192k mp3 files of this album for FREE.
Listen to this album on iMeem.
Download Lossless FLAC files from The Secret Club.

For now, MutantMall.com will not be carrying CDs by other artists.

$5 Inventory Liquidation on the following items:
Virgil Donati / Planet X – Live From Oz (CD)
Electrocution 250 – Cartoon Music From Hell (CD)
Devin Townsend Band – Synchestra (CD)

Limited quantities. Available on eBay.

As many of you know, Dr. Zoltan offered his entire discography (192k mp3 files) for FREE DOWNLOAD last month. What Dr. Zoltan didn’t realize is that these were actually CASSETTE TAPES. Over 700 of them flew into the air and exploded. The entire warehouse burned to the ground, destroying several hand-painted Voice of Nothing T-shirts and a Wags napkin. 

View photos of the disaster here: http://www.drzoltan.com/contact.php

{ This post was written and approved by Dr. Zoltan! If you put a hole in a dog’s butt, visit http://www.drzoltan.com/blog. Or just run over green snake. What about that block? Do you like Elvis on MTV at 3am? }