The second official edition of “Why Are You Asking Me?” has been posted to the Anti-Social Talk Show RSS Feed. Listen to the Podcast on iTunes, or directly download the mp3 file HERE. Please email drzoltan@drzoltan.com to have your question answered by Dr. Zoltan and his research team!

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[Transcript begins]

You are listening to Why Are You Asking Me… with Dr. Zoltan. Øoooobelisk.

[Music fades down]

Today’s question was submitted by the Prophet Matthew James. A religious fanatic. Even has his own church on the internet, where he talks in his sleep. Pantameonus.com. He asks:

“Dr. Zoltan… Is it possible to make non-noise Velcro, and if so when will that technology be available?”

To answer that… What you are overlooking… Prophet Matthew James, is that the noise Velcro makes is an important safety factor. In other words, they… ENGINEERED IT to make noise. It’s built in! It’s quite remarkarble. Even Benjamin Franklin once wrote in his personal journal:

[clears throat]

“Nothing foreshadows a plummeting death or harrowing wardrobe malfunction as efficiently as the rrrrrrip of yielding Velcro Brand Hook And Loop Fastener.” It’s a trademark. They’ve even got a little picture of Benjamin Franklin on every box of Velcro now. It’s fascinating. It’s a fascinating fastener.

OK…

My research team has uncovered a paper published by Technion Institute, Haifa Branch, as reported in “Modern Fastener Magazine”, May 2008. I think you can pick up a copy of that at Barnes & Noble or Borders or maybe your local Public Library… or… dentist office.

[clears throat]

I’ll read an excerpt from the article, and I’ll post a link on my site as well, in case you cannot hear me speaking right now. Maybe your ears are too clogged from listening to too much… Effervescence or whatever that goth metal band with the girl singer is called. Can’t remember.

[clears throat]

Sorry, I drank some spoiled Soy Milk mixed with… Kombucha or something. Terrible. Terrible. So, the article goes like this. Here is the excerpt. I will READ it. OK.

“Dr. Avi Zvi Dovten, working on a grant from the Israel Space Agency, is exploring a new force in fastening.”

Hmm.

“He is using magnets embedded in paper using genetically modified fruitfly sputum…”

Huh.

“…as not only an adhesive base, but also a sound absorbent substrate.”

Obviously this article was translated from some foreign language by my Research Team. Dr. Zoltan will have to talk to them about that. You know, now I… I think I may have seen a TedTALKS video on this. What else does this article say? Hmm.

[clears throat]

“The clink-snap of fastening magnets, which has long placed them in third place to juggernauts like Buttons and Laces, may soon be a thing of the past.”

I don’t see anywhere that it mentions Zippers. I’ve always liked Zippers, actually.

[clears throat]

And as yet another episode of Why Are You Asking Me comes to a close, Dr. Zoltan offers you to following Maxim: It took a space race to bring us velcro. It will take another one to shut it up.

[Music fades back up]

Dr. Zoltan employs a full-time research team to answer questions just like this one. If you have a question for Dr. Zoltan, please email it to drzoltan@drzoltan.com, with Attn: Speed Metal Dept. in the subject line.

[End of transcript]

Dr. Zoltan’s “Why Are You Asking Me?” is syndicated by INK19.com.

**UPDATE! The Infonautical Navigators have reported the following find:

According to “Dutch Sounding Physics,” a journal refereed by the physics faculty and chess club at Universitat Aampo, Ixstrud campus, scientists are hard at work duplicating the crazy Dutch-sounding effects of the Van Der Waals force, a molecularly attractive phenomenon which allows the winged beast gecko to adhere so magically through walls. By duplicating the millions of nano-hairs on the foot of the gecko, scientists have already created a fantastic ultra-bonding “scotch” type tape. They are now working on the problem of unrolling it.